One-liners

Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden

Beware the man of one book. - St. Thomas Aquinas

Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.

Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.

Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.

Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to teflon, how do they make teflon stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"

"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"

"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"

"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.

"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights."

"Good crowd...good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now but last week I was in rough shape... Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."

"I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!"

"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens."

"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father...I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

It is later than you think.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too.

It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.

It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over.

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [Picks up his glass of water from the stool...] I like to live on the edge...

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.